Who Wants to Take Over the World?
For the Bad Guy Round Table Challenge
Rating: PG lite - just because of the challenge topic
Fandoms: Farscape, Brimstone, Xena, Pinky and the Brain, Win Ben Stein's
Warnings: Danger Will Robinson! Strangeness ahead. Really twisted
strangeness ahead - but then it WAS a TRIS challenge.
Archives: TRIS, StoneFic, Whatever Xena people who want it - 'sokay.
Let the insanity begin...
John Crichton, IASA commander, astronaut, and Ph.D. in Theoretical Studies
had finally really and totally lost his mind. All the other times he'd
thought he'd gone around the bend were just movie previews to this episode.
He let D'Argo pick the bar. The guys had decided after all they'd been
through in the past cycle, they needed a night to let their hair - or
tentacles - down. In a moment of weakness, or perhaps compassion, they'd
even invited Rigel along.
The bar was a ramshackle hole in the wall packed with aliens of all kinds.
John was, of course, the only human, but as far as he could tell he was one
of the two or three which could possibly pass as Sebacean. The drinks were
equally unrecognizable. John knew he should run screaming back to Moya. He
should've packed it in and gone to find Aeryn and Zahaan. The last thing he
should've done was had that first drink, much less the third or fourth.
They went down so well; he'd not stopped to think about how it would come
back up. By the fifth drink, he was gone. He passed out, vaguely hearing
Rigel mutter something derisive about handling his alcohol. Then the images
- dreams, really - began. The 60's couldn't have been any wilder.
John found himself on the edge of the stage of the weirdest game show set
he'd ever seen. It was all neon gaudy like Jeopardy but with elements of
someone's living room. The logo on the back wall read, "Who Wants to Take
Over the World?". Before he could do anything to investigate, raucous theme
music began, and a crowd he couldn't see for the giant klieg lights began to
He froze as three men came out and took their places behind podiums. He
only recognized one of the three men, but that was enough. Even without the
placard bearing his name, Scorpius was someone he'd never mistake or forget,
despite the ugly wide tie and white collar against his leather suit, or the
almost giddy expression on his skeletal face.
He didn't know who the other two men. Was that second guy actually wearing
a SWORD? How'd someone get a weapon through? Didn't Jenny Jones and Jerry
Springer teach anyone anything? And the third man was just a plain ordinary
human looking guy to him, a little on the small side, if anything. He was
at the wrong angle to get a really good view of their name plaques.
Before his mind could catch up, the host of the show appeared over the top
of his lectern, responding to a flurry of applause. It took John a moment
to realize the host - with his dark suit and conservative tie - was actually
standing ON the lectern and not at it. The host, himself, was actually a
white, animated lab rat with a gigantic head.
"Thank you, and welcome to this edition of 'Who Wants to Take Over the
World', the game show for dictators, war mongers, and evil geniuses. I am
your host, The Brain. Now, let's turn to the hole to my donut, Pinky, and
find out more about today's contestants."
"Zonk!" crowed another white lab rat. This one was taller, thinner, with a
much smaller brain, bigger nose, and a odd British accent. He sat on a box,
swinging his legs. "Okey, dokey Brain. They're those guys over there!
'Alo!" He waved vigorously.
The Brain sighed. "Never mind, Pinky, I'll take care of it."
"Okay, Brain, gork, zowie."
Brain just shook his large head. "Our first contestant, from the Uncharted
Territories, the half Sebacean, half Scarran; the Peacekeeper grand
inquisitor; a power mad expert in mind ripping torture, mind control, and an
obsessive in theoretical wormhole technology - Scorpius!"
Scorpius acknowledged the crowd with a happy wave.
Brain went on. "Next we have from Ancient Greek mythology, a man never
happier except in the midst of chaos and bloodshed, the god of war himself -
The man in black leather waved cheerily John's head began to spin. Of
COURSE the perfectly sculpted, tall, dark and handsome man was a Greek god.
What else could he be? And they weren't finished!
"Last, but not least! From the very pits of Hell, the prince of darkness,
Evil Incarnate himself - The Devil!"
The crowd went wild. The slight man in the perfectly tailored, black and
gray pinstriped, vintage gangster suit (complete with black cashmere
fedora), took it all in. Even Scorpius and Ares looked a bit awed. John's
sensibilities couldn't handle it anymore. He would've collapsed in a dead
faint, if something kept him upright.
"Tell our contestants, Pinky, what the winner of today's game will win."
"Okay, Brain," Pinky agreed. "The yummy prizes today are a decade's supply
of macaroni and cheese! I wish I could play for that! Wait, there's
more. Our winner also wins the home version of our game. And for the
really big, gooey prize, the mind and soul of John Crichton!" With his best
Vanna White impersonation, Pinky made a sweeping gesture toward John.
John was suddenly bombarded by a spotlight shining straight in his eyes.
Even that kind of dazzlement couldn't disguise his comprehension. He flung
himself against the barrier. It didn't give in response to his frantic
scrabbling, looking very much like a lab right himself.
"Aw, look, Brain, aren't they cute when they do that?" Pinky asked. "Can't
we take one home with us?"
"Not this time, Pinky, besides we have a game to play. The questions in
this round are worth $50 to a $150. Pinky, what are the categories?"
"Well, Brain, I think they're the things we ask questions about, Brain,"
"Just read the categories, Pinky."
"You mean read these card thingies in the ugly frames, Brain?"
"That's exactly what I mean, Pinky."
"Oh, all right, Brain. That one says: 'Here a War, There a War, Everywhere
a War, War;' 'Things William Shatner Never Should Have Done;' 'Monkees You
Don't Spank;' 'Women Who are Psycho;' and the last one is 'Daddy's Little
"Thank you, Pinky. Mr. Devil, please pick a topic."
"I think I'll try 'Thing William Shatner Never Should Have Done.'"
The card slipped away revealing a $100 amount followed by a question, which
Brain read aloud. "What was the greatest evil perpetrated by William
Shatner during his career?"
The Devil buzzed in first. "That would have to be when I convinced him he
had the ability to write science fiction novels."
"That is correct. Please choose again."
"'Daddy Little Warrior Princess."
"For $150, who was responsible for converting Xena to good and what were the
Ares was hot off the mark, barely beating out the Devil. "That would be my
obnoxious half-brother, Hercules, and the result was losing the best warrior
and woman I ever had. Xena and I could've ruled the world!"
"Next time, maybe you shouldn't rely on a woman," the Prince of Darkness
"Oh, like you can talk after having to use that prig, Stone, to clean up
your mess?" Ares shot back.
"Gentlemen, please? We need to continue our game!" Brain cried. Usually
the contestants didn't come to blows until the second or third round.
Crichton watched the show go on in a daze. His mind had retreated to the
farthest, darkest part of his mind and huddled, gibbering in fear. Music
brought him back to reality. The tune was vaguely familiar. He focused
once more on the game. The Devil was giving an answer which seemed wrong to
"I'm sorry, sir, that is incorrect." The Brain ducked as the Devil's eyes
smouldered with very real flame. He thought he could smell brimstone on the
air. No lightning struck, so the Brain continued. "Scorpius or Ares?"
Scorpius leaned on his buzzer. "It is the tune I composed to manipulate
John Crichton - not CRAIS!" He looked at the Devil with a smile. "I
thought you were supposed to be omniscient."
"That is NOT me," he said replied slowly and deliberately. "No god is
omniscient, just the One, isn't that right, Ares?"
"Hey, don't drag ME into this. I just came to play the game."
"And why is that?" Scorpius wanted to know. "Why do you care about the mind
and soul of John Crichton? He means nothing to you."
"I could always use another good warrior," Ares shrugged. "Besides, I
didn't know what the prize was when I got here."
"I am not a WARRIOR!" John Crichton shouted, throwing himself at the energy
barrier. "I AM NOT some PRIZE. Let me out of here!"
Of course no one heard him. They were all watching the contestants fighting
amongst themselves, and roaring with approval. Even the little, stupid
Vanna White rat was cheering them on.
"Isn't it great, Brain? Just like mud wrestling but without the mud."
Brain slapped his frontal lobe. Every single show! How was he supposed to
learn how to take over the world if all his contestants kept taking each
other out? It never failed. "Gentlemen, please! Don't make me call
Security! This isn't the Jerry Springer show!"
That got the contestant's attention. Both Ares and Scorpius said, "Who?"
Satan merely smiled. "I always did enjoy his spread of misery and mayhem.
He was almost as good as me."
"How good can THAT be?" Ares snorted "You let 113 souls escape. Not even
Hades did that!"
"You're bringing this up again?"
"Bring it on!"
"I got them back!"
"By using a MORTAL."
"Look who's talking, Mr. 'I'm so in love with Xena, I'll sacrifice
"Oh, that's it. It's on now!" Ares snarled, drawing his sword and lunging
at the Devil.
Bolts of energy shot back and forth between the two deities as they
grappled. The crowd in the stands loved it. Back and forth the battle went
with no clear winner, as both bodies were thrown across the stage by the
energy bolts. Pinky and Brain took cover behind the lectern. Scorpius
watched from a corner with a happy smirk. John Crichton flinched every time
an energy bolt came near him, but they sizzled off the energy barrier.
Suddenly Ares and the Devil disappeared, leaving Scorpius behind. After a
moment, everyone else came from under cover to see him shaking upraised arms
triumphantly and shouting giddily, "I won! I won!"
The two animated lab rats brought Scorpius over to Crichton. "Here's your
"I will never be your prize, Scorpius," Crichton growled. "Never!"
Pinky and the Brain reached for him. Crichton fought them. Fought the
hands reaching for him, shaking him. Then suddenly he came awake. The
hands belonged to D'Argo and Rigel. He looked around, carefully. His eyes
felt like they were only set loosely in their socket, buoyed by the bile in
"Where am I?"
"You're on the transport," D'Argo answered. "We're headed back to Moya."
"You couldn't hold your liquor!" Rigel snorted. "Disgraceful!"
Crichton struggled briefly to sit up and instantly regret it. He barely
made it to a disposal unit before losing the contents of his stomach. He
staggered back to sit down and held his head to try to stop the spinning.
There wasn't anything he could do about the waves leaving strangely colored
"Here, try this," D'Argo said handing him something Crichton downed without
even bothering to identify.
The after effects shocked him. "Whoa! What was that?"
Crichton took a brief inventory, and said surprisedly. "Yeah, yeah, I do.
"You passed out."
"Ah, that explains that."
"Explains what?" D'Argo asked.
"The weird dream I had. I definitely wasn't in Kansas anymore. I think I
just want to sleep now and forget this ever happened. And remind me never
to get drunk with you again."
"But you were so much fun."
"Why? What did I do?"
D'Argo didn't answer. He merely smiled and walked away. Crichton couldn't
stand it. He followed. "D'Argo?!"
The Luxan still didn't answer. Crichton went back to his bunk. "It's all
right then, it was just a dream."
"Was it?" Scorpius' voice asked in his head. "Was it really just a dream?"