And The Winner Is?

by MommaMuse

Okay, this is all the fault of my friends on SUJE. If Jamie can write GJR, I can write slash. Well - almost.

Disclaimer: These characters are so not mine. The people they do belong to would be shocked at this, I'm sure. You know the drill - insert an actual serious disclaimer in this space.

Rating: PG-13, I suppose, though I don't know if I'd share it with my almost 13-year-old.

Archive: Gulp. Yeah. SUJE, Joxerotica, TRIS. Would anyone else even want it?

Pairing: Joxer and damn near everyone!

Summary: I dunno. Jox dreams. It's not that long of a story, really, to summarize.

Joxer knew he was dreaming. It was a familiar dream - an old favorite. Gabrielle was kissing him passionately, rubbing her body against his as he responded in kind. I know this is a dream, because this only happens there.

"Gabrielle." Joxer looked up at the Warrior Princess. Oh, gods, he'd had this dream before too. More like a nightmare. Xena and the bard would go off together, without him, sighing about them being soul mates, pawing all over each other.

"Gabrielle, you can't have Joxer, he's mine."


"Huh?" the blonde woman said, standing.

"You've never appreciated him, and I do. I know what he's capable of, and how strong his heart is. I've thought about it ever since he thought I was Meg, and kissed me the way he did. It took my breath away, and," Xena pulled the tall man to his feet and looked deeply in his eyes, "I've always wondered what else he could do with that wonderful tongue of his." The warrior woman pressed her body against Joxer, and took him with a kiss that was as forceful and passionate as the woman giving it. After a moment's frozen shock, he melted against her, returning the passion.

When they separated in order to breathe, Joxer noticed something almost feral in Xena's eyes. "See, Gabrielle," she went on, a bit breathlessly, "he 's very talented. He's brave and loyal and soft and sweet, but," she ran her hand over the front of his pants, causing him to jump, "hard in all the right places. You don't deserve him, the way you've treated him."

He heard Gabby sputtering, groping for a response, while Xena just continued groping. He knew he had a silly grin on his face, but he couldn't help it. The two most beautiful women he knew and they were fighting over him!

A noisy flash drew their attention. "Get you hands off him, woman!" The war god glared at his former protégé.

"Go to hell, Ares. I don't belong to you anymore, and you have no say in what or who I do," Xena snarled defensively, stepping back from the suddenly weak-kneed wanna-be and putting her hand on her chakram.

"You can do whatever you damn well please, Xena. I'm not stupid, and I've finally given up on you. But he's mine." The three mortals all stood agape in stunned silence. "What, you're surprised I can appreciate loyalty as well as you can? Even once you convinced him to hate all I did, he still prayed to me, because I was his god. He's never turned away, never asked me for anything out of selfishness, but simply worshipped me for what I am. Even a god wants to be appreciated." The dark sensual Olympian had moved to stand beside Joxer, running his fingers over his chest and neck while the pale man gasped for air, his entire body on overload. This is something I never even dared to dream about before, Joxer sighed. The god stepped behind him and pulled his helpless body against his hard chest, dropping his head to nibble on Joxer's neck.

"Ohhhh," the mortal moaned. Then he felt someone pull him from Ares' embrace, and he almost moaned again at the absence of the warmth.

"It's ok, Jox, I'll save ya," the familiar voice assured him.

I wasn't in any danger. Let me go back.

"Listen you big ox, just 'cos you're a god doesn't mean you get first dibs on every nice ass that comes along," Joxer's savior growled.

"Auto??" Xena, Joxer and Gabrielle all chorused together.

The King of Thieves blushed. "Hey, he kinda grows on you. After the last time we were together, I found myself thinking of him - a lot. Sure, beautiful women are great, but sometimes, a guy wants a guy around. Not just for chatting, either, if ya get my drift." The thief leered at Joxer, who gulped. "I'm too much man for one woman, why should I restrict myself to one gender?"

"Listen, pipsqueak, I can fix it so you won't have to worry about things like that anymore. Nobody wants a guy who lost all his vital parts in battle, you know?" Ares towered over the thief, who gulped.

"Uh, listen, y'know, maybe I could make it up in trade. Surely the god of war could use something stolen or relocated for his purposes?" Ares took another step toward the thief and growled. Xena pulled her chakram, and Gabrielle her sais. A musical sparkle signaled another god on the scene.

"Chill, all of you. This aggression business is like, so uncool." Aphrodite smiled sweetly, and got in her brother's face. "You expect to win a guy whose heart is pure by killing any competitors?" She looked around at all of them, her eyes ending on Joxer's confused face. "His heart is pure, you know. NO one knows that better than I do." She walked seductively to stand before him, and every eye there was drawn to her hips as they swayed. "It'd be tough to find anyone deserving of a heart so pure. Anyone except the goddess of love, maybe." Her eyes held his, and promise beckoned from them.

This is a dream; it's only a dream. Keep your cool Joxer, just a dream.

Aphrodite's voice answered him in his head. Oh, yeah, sweetcheeks, it is only a dream, but there's a lot more truth to it than you know. Joxer gulped, and as he stared at the love goddess, she nodded slightly. Another sparkle broke the tension, and 'Dite rolled her eyes, turning. "I thought I told you - Strife?"

The late god of mischief giggled. Xena frowned and took a step forward. "You 're dead, aren't you?"

"Hey, Tartarus can get boring, y'know? Unc an' me, we got an arrangement - I jus' don't take advantage of his generosity much. But when I saw a bunch of ya fightin' over this guy, I had to come stake a claim." Strife's eyes sparkled. "He's always been one of my fav mortals. He can cause more trouble without meanin' to than I could with a full-blown plan. He's like, my successor or sumthin' So I keep an eye on him. When I saw all of ya had your eyes on him, too, I thought I'd better check it out." The mischief god elbowed the goddess of love out of the way, ignoring her irritated grunt. Taking Joxer's hand, he looked into the man's startled face. "I prob'ly don' t stand a chance with ya, bein' like, dead and all, but I wanted ya to know I cared." The god placed a tender kiss on the warm mortal lips.

Joxer could feel the dream slipping away, and his body waking. He wondered idly if he'd remember this when he woke up. It was quite possibly the best dream he'd ever had.

Aphrodite stormed up to the waiting god and stomped her foot. "What the hell was Strife doing there?" she demanded.

Morpheus shrugged. "Not my fault, 'Dite. He just appeared. Maybe your boy Joxer has some dreams even you don't know about. And how come you got to go, while I had to stay here, anyway?"

The love goddess conjured up a chair and sat down, crossing her legs and swinging her foot. "We went through this before, Morph. I don't have the talent to control that many shared dreams at once. And with any luck, tomorrow at least one of them will wake up and act on what they were dreaming about." Her smile widened. "And if they don't, well, I might just claim him after all."

"What will Heph say?" the dream god wondered.

"I've had pet mortals before, and he's never minded. Besides, that one I probably could share with Heph, too. He's such a cutie." She looked through the scrying mirror at the waking warrior. "But, damn - Strife?"